I cannot find my penis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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