its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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