Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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