from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
