My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
