I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
