Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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