I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
