splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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