he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
