I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
