I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
No subtext here. People are naked.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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