Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
