So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
