Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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