Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
