There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
