I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
