We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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