I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
