the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
