I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
