Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
