My sheets look like a crime scene.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
