I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
