I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
