Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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