dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
