I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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