a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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