im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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