If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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