I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
