apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
