you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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