I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
