tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
