Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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