I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
