It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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