oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
