You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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