I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
