Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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