i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
