Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
