Do you still have your period?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
