My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
