I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
