I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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