She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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