Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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