so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
