my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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